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ageing well - photograph of the author
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May 12, 2023Rocacorba Renaissance. An early season major training event culminated in my own Renaissance artwork, which you see above. It’s at the finish line of the Rocacorba climb near Girona, Catalonia. This is a 6.2-mile-long ascent, scaling 2,445 feet, with an average grade of 7.4%. However, the average grade fails to reveal the extended stretches of 13% inclines. A tough one by anyone’s standards, including professional riders. Why Rocacorba Renaissance? There’s so much going on in the photograph; it’s my own version of a painting from the Renaissance genre, a Uccello “Battle of San Romano” or a Botticelli “Primavera.” It’s my Chain Gang Cyclists teammates at the top of the brutal ascent. Some cheering. Some photographing each other. A lone cyclist wondered who this animated bunch was. My fat backside on the bike, me shouting David Goggins’ “You don’t know me, son” after taking one hour and six minutes to climb Rocacorba, well within my target time. I heard a former pro cyclist say, “Your age plus ten minutes is respectable, ” which was me dialled in. He probably wasn’t accounting for a man 65 years and 11 months old in his calculation, but he put it out there, so fair is fair. 27 members of the London cycling club Chain Gang Cyclists went for a five-day trip to experience the area’s rich variety of cycling routes, from coastal rides to big climbs. The challenging Rocacorba was to be one of the highlights of the trip. Cyclists have a gleefully masochistic culture of anticipating pain and suffering. It was pain and suffering, hence the joy in the Rocacorba Renaissance image. Pain, suffering, joy, bonding. It was a significant achievement for me. Climbing has always been the domain of the lightweight mountain goats floating on the pedals. For big old carthorses such as me, it’s a grind. The beauty of the changes in cycling these last years, enabled by clubs such as Chain Gang, has meant I’m not the only big unit on a bike. We had Peter, Dean, Yan, and myself all comfortably over the 100-kilogram mark. And we all got up there. All 27 of us got up there, including Brandy suffering from post-Ramadan digestive issues. My approach is to go into my world when faced with this kind of challenge. I don’t want to speak to anyone, nor do I want any music on. For a period, a friend was just behind me, and I could hear the gentle noises of his drivetrain. It started to get into my head. I just wanted to be alone. Halfway up, I saw another friend off the bike, taking a breather. I didn’t want him to talk to me, but he did. I vaguely remember what he said, and I replied, “I’m taking up chess.” But put my head down and pushed on. My head went down, and I started to count pedal strokes. “One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four …” I looked up again, and Darren had passed me. I wasn’t aware of him overtaking me, but I was pleased. For some reason, at this second, I thought, “I could stop now.” It was a split second of fight or flight, certainly triggered by seeing someone off their bike and an optical illusion that Darren had stopped too. That was my only split second of doubt. During the rest of the ride, I was positive I would succeed. I remember rough, damp stretches of road under the trees. I remember the smell of the climb. I don’t remember much of the scenery at all. At one second, I put my head up and was rewarded with a spectacular view across a valley. But my memories will be an intricate knowledge of Catalonian tarmac, a damp mossy smell, and beautiful suffering. A short stretch where the road dipped for a few hundred yards, the radio pylon on the summit still out of reach. Three cruel, steep hairpins to the top. I completed the first and felt good. As I approached the second, I could hear voices. The voices of 20 of my teammates up at the finish line. I may have even smiled at that point. Round the last hairpin, and it was time to apply the final brushstrokes to the Rocacorba Renaissance. A last steep dig and being loudly cheered on. My eyes flicked to the right, and I saw “Embrace the pain and U will win” sprayed on the wall. Damn right. As I rolled towards the finish line, I shouted two or three times, “You don’t know me, son!” at the point this photo was taken. A few of the young, quick guns responded to my call, “Who’s gonna carry the boats?!” A perfect David Goggins call and response as I rolled to the line. I was feeling good. A mental and physical achievement. A fundamental building block towards my 2023 cycling goals. Up a long climb in a time David Millar would bless, building my fitness and endurance. One of the best parts of the day was seeing my handful of teammates still on the climb finishing. Everyone was hurting that day. Fast, slow, experienced, rookie, big, small. To see every one of our 27 get home was a treasured experience. The world was perfect for those moments. The warm presence of a tremendous bunch of people, the quiet camaraderie and mutual respect. Sport builds mental health as well as physical health when with the right people and conditions come together. [...]
May 1, 2023How do we define failure? NBA great Giannis Antetokounmpo was visibly frustrated after the shock defeat in round one of the playoffs last week. At himself, and I suspect his head coach. When reporter Eric Nehm of The Athletic asked him how he viewed the loss, his response was emotional and articulate. I’ll leave you to watch the short clip. The always-thoughtful Steve Kerr, head coach of the Golden State Warriors, waded into the debate, and his response is worth watching too. How do we define failure in sports? That’s a tough one, given all sports are designed to ensure one person or team wins and everyone else loses. The greats such as Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, and Muhammad Ali lost many times. Giannis will be in the pantheon of NBA legends, and his bigger-picture perspective captured me. Long-term vision versus short-term wins. Him thinking a couple of levels above the regular athlete interview was refreshing. [...]
February 19, 2023The Older I Get, The Clearer The Path Finding my way back to myself. It sounds odd, but it isn’t really. I’m assuming that I was myself at the start of my life. Before coming into contact with my family, other people, and the environment around me. So much changes as one experiences life, as one tries and fails to come to grips with the human condition. My earliest memory was of being abandoned at the school gate on the first day of primary school. This theme appeared again and again in my life. Sometimes in a major and traumatic way, often as a routine occurrence that I just came to expect. I was conditioned to it, and it formed my personality and how I acted around people. My second memory was on that same first day at school. One of social embarrassment and shame. Again, that affected me until very late in my life. That and a tough be seen and not heard upbringing, followed by being sent off to a boarding school where I was deeply out of my social and cultural depth. That’s how it was. I grew up an intelligent and reserved child, very much a loner. Being sent away to school exacerbated the loner status. And it followed me to an extent as a young man and into my adult life. Finding my way back to myself didn’t occur to me. This was life; this was how it was supposed to be, right? Ageing Is An Extraordinary Process “Ageing is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been.” I think this is eloquent and profound. David Bowie spoke it. I was besotted with him as a teenager and fortunate enough to see him live twice in my home town of Preston in 1972 and then again in 1973. Preston, being a progressive town, Bowie and Roxy Music and Led Zeppelin were banned. Bowie for inciting hysteria. I only discovered the quote recently, and by that time, I was already experiencing my exploration of the real me. Many years of hiding behind an introverted and repressed persona left me thinking that was it for life. You live a grey and increasingly monotone life, and eventually, you die. Serious mental health issues, in my case severe anxiety and depression, led me to finding my way back to myself. I suppose I’m lucky. Something, somewhere within me, made me look upwards to see if there was a way through this. While some may view me as pessimistic, they don’t know me. I’ve had this odd feeling all my life of a light shining somewhere as if just offstage. It always felt like it was a better life and that one day, I would find that. That sounds like I’m a bit sorry for myself, but it’s not. It has driven me. Learning Even In Darkness My darkest days with mental health were just that. Dark, fearful, feeling isolated. In a crowd but alone. I stopped drinking in 2019 once I realised it was an act of self-medication. I began to explore meditation and listen to my mind a lot more. Sinking, but not sinking without resistance. The next three years were hard for the people around me and me. The low point was pitch black. The breaking point was also a turning point. By now, I was over sixty, and the urban myth is that old dogs cannot change. I have seen people not return from the issues I struggled with. At the start of my seventh decade and still, in good health, the road ahead of me could be a year or twenty years. Finding my way back to myself was something I pursued and still pursue with a passion. I have many weaknesses. I also have some strengths, and one of those is being very determined. If I’m given a task to deliver, then it’s happening. Everything a psychiatrist suggested, I did and still do. The same with cognitive behavioural therapy. EMDR therapy. Writing my journal. Breathwork. Learning about my brain. Finding My Way Back To Myself One day recently, I realised I had done just that. I met myself, and I wasn’t as bad as I thought I was. I’m a lighter person, readily smiling. I spontaneously talk to people I don’t know. Several new friends play an important role in my life. I have come to terms with who I am. Complicated and full of contradictions. Some people in my life may have hurt me, and I accept I wasn’t the best person, and I hope they forgive me. I don’t have any issue with people who have hurt me, I harbour no grudges, and I don’t have an always burning resentment and anger in me. I know where the anger and agitation came from, and I’m at peace with it. Some parts of me remain, the intense and relentless drive. But I have a lightness too. An optimism. I enjoy many aspects of my life and mindfully and slowly enjoy the feelings and experiences. Life feels very good, and I’m excited about the future and a new chapter. I’ve found my way back to myself. Ageing is indeed a gift. I would never want to have my time again. There is no nostalgia for my childhood or a desire to run my career back or to have chances to make decisions again with the benefit of experience. No regrets. Why do I write all this? Not to say, “poor me”. Not to smugly say, “look at me now!” To say many of us experience what I experienced. Don’t give up. Don’t assume ageing is a slow road to decline. Rather, it can arm us all with the wisdom and resilience we don’t have earlier. Don’t give up. [...]
January 9, 2023Mental Health Is A Major Problem Mental health continues to be a significant concern. It’s an issue that our health services and society struggle to cope with. The statistics suggest one in four people suffers from a mental illness. The cost to the UK economy of mental illness is £35 billion annually. Behind the raw numbers, there are worrying sub-sectors, such as suicide rates. 20% of people have suicidal thoughts. 7% attempt suicide and a similar number self-harm. Roughly 6,000 suicides a year in the UK, and the number is not coming down. 75% of suicides are men, with middle age seeing the highest incidence. Enough of me repeating statistics. You can find much better information here, here, and here. I want to ask people who have experienced mental health issues to help those struggling. Take your mental health experience and pay it forward. Between 70% and 75% of people with mental health issues are not receiving any treatment. That’s shocking. Whether it’s the overwhelmed NHS or people afraid to speak up about their issues, many people need help. Can We Talk About Mental Health? There is more discussion on the subject of mental health today. Prominent celebrities and sportspeople, for example, speak up and help others to open up about their struggles. That’s helpful to some extent. There is a level of performative dialogue, as happens when any social shift occurs. Sadly, some can use it to inflate their social media credibility. Some can accuse others of using mental health to cover a perceived failure. Yet this is all white noise. Look past this to find someone who needs help. If you have suffered or do suffer a mental illness then you know what a lonely and isolated place that is. There’s your starting point; empathy. That’s your superpower. You have experienced being asked how you are, and you replying “ok”. Of course, when you are the furthest it’s possible to be from “ok”. As an older man, I have been through decades of mental health struggles. The loneliness crushes you. The confusion; I couldn’t name mental illness as a young man. I was simply “a bit odd” or “an angry young man”. It was my fifth decade before I found my way to the doorstep of a therapist. If you haven’t been there, you haven’t had to go through the process. Of wondering if it’s ok to talk to someone. Where to get support from. Afraid of losing your job. Not wanting to be isolated by people. Mental Health – Pay It Forward I admire everyone who steps up and tells the world about their battle with mental health. Because each story chips away at the prejudice. There’s more we can do. You don’t have to be a mental health professional. Don’t be afraid of discussing someone’s mental health. It’s alright to talk about a person’s suicidal thoughts. Again I leave the advice to the experts here, here, and here. If you feel in a position to help someone suffering from a mental health problem, do so. Take your lived experience with your health and use it to support someone else. Pay it forward. It can help another person immensely. You may well find it helps you too. After all, sufferers from anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness can find that healing is a lifelong undertaking. The most potent inflection points in my recovery were conversations with people. Quite often, unexpected people. We aren’t all equipped to talk to someone about their suicidal thoughts. I have a couple of very dear friends of over thirty and forty years, respectively, and they couldn’t help me. I could feel their burning impotence when it came to me saying, “I’m totally fucked, mate”. But this is the reason people who have been there and dealt with mental health issues are well-placed to have a positive effect. Don’t Believe The OK I have paid my experience forward six times in the last six months. In all cases, it helped the other party. This is not the part where I go off on a humble brag. This is the part where I tell you to act. And that it can be anything from one conversation to an ongoing check-in and mentoring arrangement. Let the other person lead. You are there to listen and support, that’s it. The person in front of you sets the pace. In one instance, a stilted hello led to a long conversation in which someone told me their story. I listened and said the odd thing and we had a hug and parted, and we message each other every so often. Another person gave major “I’m ok” verbal statements while radiating a lost air. I asked the person if they were alright, really alright, and the answer was no. I could give advice and point this person in the direction of some practical help. A third was another where another “ok” was quickly followed by welling up and “shit actually”. A long listening session occurred, and when I saw this person again some months later they were in a positive place, and we reflected on the day we talked. Again, this is no humble brag. Two different things happened here. Someone wanted to talk about something profoundly traumatic, and I listened and said very little. In the other two instances, I did not buy the “ok”. Maybe it sounds intrusive, but I gently persisted, and once the first desperate defence mechanism was gone, the other person could then move forward and express their challenges to me. I’m no expert; I have no training. I do have a family-sized can of empathy, and that helped me to help someone. Use Your Superpower I believe in the mental health pay-it-forward principle. If you’ve been there, you know how tough it is to be alone. Alone and scared, or lost. Your superpower of empathy can help you smell out the coping and defence mechanisms. It knows how to proceed when it comes to listening when it comes to the gentle coaxing to get past the “ok”. Your empathy knows that while an outpouring of visceral emotion is more than likely happening to the person in front of you, there will also be a huge relief of pressure and a chance for them to download. If you have suffered from mental illness in the past and you are feeling in a good place, consider helping someone. And remember, it will likely help your journey too. Please feel free to contact me here. Feel free to give my details to anyone who may want to have a chat. Let me know if you want to help someone, and let’s see if we can make that happen. If it’s a case of just wanting to say hello to me, reach out. Most importantly, remember there is someone in your life, someone close to you, who would appreciate a conversation. Trust me; there is someone close by. Do Me A Favour If I could ask a favour? If this resonates with you in any way, please, as well as paying it forward yourself, pass this thought to someone else. The more people who give this a crack, the more we can continue to integrate the subject of mental health into the mainstream. We can make those conversations everyday conversations. We can move towards each other and ease the pain of the silent suffering many of us have experienced and do experience. [...]
December 31, 2022How Bad Do You Want It? Mind over body is the subject of a fascinating book by Matt Fitzgerald, recommended by a colleague. It’s on the subject of the limiting factor in endurance performance being the brain and not the body. It’s based on the 1990s work by South African Professor Tim Noakes, who has more than once proposed controversial ideas in human performance science. Noakes’ mooted the central governor theory, which proposes that the brain ‘protects’ the body from damage by reducing the neural recruitment of muscle fibres, so that exercise intensity cannot damage the heart muscle. Therefore if you can control your mind and push through the toughest of circumstances, your body will deliver extraordinary performances. This is best demonstrated to a layperson like me at the end of brutal events. Where does that seemingly impossible burst come from at the end of the race? The brain anticipates the end of the risk to the body and lets the handbrake off, knowing safety is in sight. The book tells the stories of various people who have produced performances well beyond what they believed possible, where mind over body was a key factor. While highly entertaining and inspiring, I have a creeping doubt about the theory. Simply because a good story doesn’t necessarily equate to there being any scientific basis for the notion. What Would Goggins Do? I recently read the new book “Never Finished: Unshackle your mind and win the war within” by ex-Navy Seal and ultramarathon runner David Goggins. His life story and feats of overcoming obstacles and prevailing are jaw-dropping. He makes mind over body a way of life, again and again. I listened to the audiobook, and his gravelly voice was compelling. Even his voice sounds tough. Goggins’ whole mentality is to seek out impossible challenges and complete them, and overcome myriad injuries and health problems and press on. Is this central governor theory or an aberration in mindset? Maybe Goggins is simply wired differently, his anxiety and fear driving him to achieve the seemingly impossible. The Buddhist Mind Over Body Approach I’m fortunate enough to know people with a much more robust approach to suffering than I can summon up. An old friend who completed the Marathon de Sables with a broken rib, having suffered the injury on the eve of the race with an ill-advised drinking session with another competitor. He told me, “it’s amazing what the mind can will the body to do”. He was unwavering in his mind-over-body approach. After his ‘retirement’ due to a hip replacement, he found being a spectator boring, so laid his camera down and joined in and finished an ultra marathon. The last time we spoke, he was a Buddhist priest in a high-security prison. Like Goggins, he marches to a different beat. My Struggles Mind over body comes from a different place for me. I don’t think I’m mentally tough. Yet I don’t tend to give up, either. When I find, for example, a long Gran Fondo or sportive tough, my inner chatter starts. I feel that it’s my amygdala in play, exercising its fight-or-flight capability. I tune into this consciously and try to be rational about the process. My frontal cortex, the CEO of my brain, tries to rescue me from the amygdala by taking back control. I stress this isn’t a story of the process leading me to glorious event wins. My idea of a win is finishing. And there’s nothing wrong with that approach. I’ve set my goals for 2023, and mind over body will definitely be needed. So my current reading and reflection is helpful. I will get this done. [...]
December 29, 2022What’s The Target? My deadlift plan is part of my list of goals to achieve in 2023 on the bike and the gym. I will be 66 in May and want to be sure that I’m still in decent physical shape. Physical decline is happening to us all from the age of 30 onwards. But I would like to remain active for as long as possible, for all the well-documented physical and mental health reasons. My deadlift goal is to lift a one-rep 170 kg before the end of 2023. That would be an advanced standard for a male of my age and weight. It’s a challenging goal, no doubt. It is probably seven years since I singled a 165 kg deadlift. I will need to train hard for this one, and that will be made harder given my cycling goals for the year. What’s The Deadlift Plan? I will use a deadlift plan set by Eric Cressey, the renowned coach to professional athletes and a handy lifter in his own right. I purchased one of his training plans a few years ago and found it effective. As well as laying a solid plan out, he has some excellent instructional YouTube material on technique. The distorted video – something about GoPro and YouTube not playing nicely – is me part way through five sets of deadlifts at 70% of the targeted 170 kg maximum. The deadlift plan has a steady progression, with many weeks of foundation building. I need exactly that, given my age-related physical niggles and my slower recovery time. I remember a wise barbell veteran saying to me “if in doubt always leave a rep or a set on the table.” That’s something I need at the top of my mind; it’s in my nature to press too hard and regret that later. Deadlift Diaries My deadlift plan is going to take several months to execute. I must balance my cycling training with my deadlifting. The cycling season is frontloaded for me, with events in May and July. My idea is to consistently build deadlift base strength while putting cycling first. Then in the late summer, back off cycling and look to peak on the lifting. Let’s see how it goes. Hopefully I will improve with my video skills. [...]

Welcome To My Blog …

Welcome to my blog. It’s mainly about my mental and physical health in the context of ageing well. I’m 65, and that’s when my parents, grandparents, and broader family would suffer serious health issues. Indeed, with the odd exception, we have been a three-score and ten-ish family regarding longevity. But we don’t have to accept this, given advances in medicine and the broader health and wellness space.

After much time not taking it seriously, I look after my health more. Time streaming past, and a sense of mortality can do that to you. I have spent a lot of time working on my mental health. I have been depressed and anxious for as long as I can remember. The last dozen or so years have been particularly challenging. I realised during this last period that mental health and physical wellness are very much linked, and I advocate a more rounded approach to health.

Being Open About Mental Health

I chose to be open about my mental health a few years ago and started being open about it, mainly through this blog. It has been disseminated widely through my social media pages, and my blog posts on mental health have been well received. But I have gone further in the past three years and discussed my mental health with many people in my personal and professional spheres. And the more we talk about it, the less taboo it will become.

The prime purpose of my blog is to portray my mental health journey and hope it helps one person. Undoubtedly, giving just one person a nugget of advice is worth it. I blog about physical and general wellness too. I believe the whole human functioning well is essential to good mental health.

The Glide Path

I’m on the glide path to the final destination; that’s a fact. While I may die in the morning, equally, I may live for another twenty years. On the one hand, a sliver of time left; on the other, I must remember fifteen or twenty years is a long time. I’m excited about the chapter that’s still to play out. Therefore, a secondary purpose of my blog is to diarise my ageing process. I’m not really for gradually retreating into a waiting room of routine and a silent and grey fading of my spirit. So long as I’m breathing, I intend to remain curious. In time, it will end, and I don’t dictate those terms. Until then, I’ll be searching. Ageing well is key. For sure, we never stand in one spot; we are either going forward or going backwards. Forward.

stephenmoonsis

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CEO of Science in Sport, owners of PhD and SiS
Mental health advocate
Trying to stay fit
Coffee addict

stephenmoonsis

#brompton #bromptondiaries #cycling #cyclinglife #cyclecommuting

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#brompton #bromptondiaries #cycling #cyclinglife #cyclecommuting

#brompton #bromptondiaries #cycling #cyclinglife #cyclecommuting …

First commute to work on my new @bromptonbicycle … Northern Man morphs into North London Man #brompton #cycling #citycycling #cyclinglife #bikecommuting

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First commute to work on my new @bromptonbicycle … Northern Man morphs into North London Man #brompton #cycling #citycycling #cyclinglife #bikecommuting

First commute to work on my new @bromptonbicycle … Northern Man morphs into North London Man #brompton #cycling #citycycling #cyclinglife #bikecommuting …

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #cycling #cycle #cyclinglife #wellness

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#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #cycling #cycle #cyclinglife #wellness

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #cycling #cycle #cyclinglife #wellness …

Gym done. Took it (relatively) easy as it’s @chaingangcyclistsofficial Bun Run to @cinnamoncafewindsor Windsor in the morning ⛓️⛓️⛓️💨💨💨

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Gym done. Took it (relatively) easy as it’s @chaingangcyclistsofficial Bun Run to @cinnamoncafewindsor Windsor in the morning ⛓️⛓️⛓️💨💨💨

Gym done. Took it (relatively) easy as it’s @chaingangcyclistsofficial Bun Run to @cinnamoncafewindsor Windsor in the morning ⛓️⛓️⛓️💨💨💨 …

Listening to one of the best albums, any genre, I have heard in a long time … vulnerable, authentic, deeply personal and soulful vocals by @ettabond and rich production from @rafriley4real so deep you can drown in it. Proof that hard work pays off, because this duo have paid their dues and sacrificed a lot.

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Listening to one of the best albums, any genre, I have heard in a long time … vulnerable, authentic, deeply personal and soulful vocals by @ettabond and rich production from @rafriley4real so deep you can drown in it. Proof that hard work pays off, because this duo have paid their dues and sacrificed a lot.

Listening to one of the best albums, any genre, I have heard in a long time … vulnerable, authentic, deeply personal and soulful vocals by @ettabond and rich production from @rafriley4real so deep you can drown in it. Proof that hard work pays off, because this duo have paid their dues and sacrificed a lot. …

Legendary is an overused word. But in the case of @kingljames it struggles to do him justice. Awesome performance last night for @lakers in the @nba playoffs 🔥🔥🔥#lebronjames #lakers #nba #goat

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Legendary is an overused word. But in the case of @kingljames it struggles to do him justice. Awesome performance last night for @lakers in the @nba playoffs 🔥🔥🔥#lebronjames #lakers #nba #goat

Legendary is an overused word. But in the case of @kingljames it struggles to do him justice. Awesome performance last night for @lakers in the @nba playoffs 🔥🔥🔥#lebronjames #lakers #nba #goat …

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